Les Miserables Spoof
by In The Loft
Summary: What would have happened if Victor Hugo had written Les Mis while he was very hyper? The answer awaits...


**A/N: This is a crazy version of what might have happened if Victor Hugo had written Les Mis whilst he was extremely hyper. So please R & R and ENJOY the (hopefully) crazy randomness! Oh – I don't own anything. ANYTHING. **

Toulon, 1815

Jean Valjean: (stepping out from prison walls): I am _free_! I could _sing_! Now I must go and continue being a good man, like I was before someone arrested me for impersonating a monkey. I shall bear no grudges, for I shall be a _saint! _

Random Crowd: Yay! We love you Jean Valjean!

_Back in the prison..._

Perfectly Sane Policeman Called Javert: *_le gasp_*That nice ex –convict on parole forgot his tie! I must take it to him!

_Jean Valjean goes to the bishop's house to spend the night_

Bishop Of Digne: You are such a nice man I bestow this silver to you!

Jean Valjean: Yay! Thank you! I am forever in your debt!

_Jean Valjean leaves. Halfway down the road he has an identity crisis._

Valjean: I must change my name and act suspicious! *_Does this*_

_Montreuil Sur-Mer, 8 Years Later_

M. Madeleine: I am a nice man! People love me!

Random Crowd: Yay! We love you Monsieur Madeleine! *_Shower him with confetti as cheesey music plays*_

Javert: Hmmm... I recognize that man...

M. Madeleine: That man's staring makes me feel small! Eep! *_Runs off*_

_Fantine – who has just entered the work place with a letter about her little girl. _

Fantine: Waaa! I feel unloved! My kid will never know me and my good for nothing loser of a lover dumped me!

Random Woman 1: *_Sniffs the air* _I smell a story!

Fantine: Eep! No one must discover the unluckiness of moi!

_Random Woman 1 discovers Fantine's unluckiness_

Random Woman 1: Heheh! Now I shall unmask the villain for the fraud she is and TAKE THE BOOTY!

_Random Woman 1 does so._

Supervisor: Agh! We must kick Fantine off the premises... For... Educational reasons... *_shifty eyes*_

Fantine: Nuuuu! *_Sings sad song* _

Random Crowd: Awwww... *_Sobs*_

Fantine: My little girl is all I have left! I shall become a tour guide to earn money, and as a metaphor of my guiding her!

_Fantine does so. _

Fantine (the tour guide): Oh great – I'd forgotten there was nothing to show tourists around here. And I qualified from tour guide school for nothing! That's just _great_. Well I guess I better sell my hair to make a wig. *_Does so*_

Random Guy: *_Buys wig and swishes hair around before disappearing in a puff of smoke*_

Everyone: Oooo...

Fantine: *_le gasp* _Alas! My unluckiness never ends! I need to pay all the debts off and I need to send money to my daughter!

Physiatrist: And how do you _feel _about that? 

Fantine: You weren't any help at all! Waaa! *_Runs off*_

_Fantine sells her teeth and becomes a prostitute. _

Bamatatois: Eek! Ugly lady!*_Throws snowball at Fantine*_

Fantine: Must you humiliate me? *_Throws snowball at Bambatois*_

_*Epic snowball fight ensues*_

Javert: *_Appears on the scene in a puff of smoke* _Have either of you seen a tall man, really strong, an ex convict? I need to give him his tie! It was his favourite! It has little baguettes printed all over it!

Fantine: Why yes I have...

Javert: Come with me!

_They go to the jail._ _M. Madeleine sees and gets the wrong end of the stick. He bursts dramatically into the office._

M. Madeleine: Stop! Release this woman!

Javert: Sure thing, gov'nor.

Fantine: But he was giving me _boiled sweets_! I hate you Mister Mayor!

M. Madeleine: Well this won't do. What can I do to make you like me...?

Fantine: Well...

_Fantine is bought a nice house, and servants dressed in pink uniforms. She develops a nasty disease._

Fantine: This is the *_cough* _life!

M. Madeleine: Oh Fantine – I fear you may be dead soon!

Fantine: Spoilsport... *_pouts* _Hey! I almost forgot! I have a little girl being looked after by these two creepy innkeepers I met in the park!

M. Madeleine: Will people like me if I take her in?

Fantine: Sure.

_The next day, Fauchlevent gets trapped beneath a cart._

M. Madeleine: Superman to the rescue! _*Saves Fauchlevent*_

Random Crowd: Yippee!

Javert: Hey! You! I have your tie! Get back here!

M. Madeleine: Eep! *_Runs away*_

Javert: Well this won't do! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE – M. MADELEINE! YOU ARE AN EX CONVICT CALLED JEAN VALJEAN!

M. Madeleine: I can't hear you!

_Javert opens a newspaper._

Javert: *_Le gasp* _: I got it wrong! I must go to the court! They have found 24601 and I can give him his tie back!

M. Madeleine (a.k.a: Jean Valjean): Hmmm... Someone is being accused of being me! They'll get all my glory! *_Runs off*_

_The courtroom._

Jean Valjean: *_Sings* _ Who am I? I'm 24601!

Simon Cowell: Terrible. Really awful. Be a plumber and do something useful with your life.

Valjean: Waaa! *_Runs off*_

Javert: Nuuu! Monsieur! You forgot your tie! *_Sighs* _Here we go again!

_Valjean returns to Fantine, to find her dying._

Fantine: My one regret is that I never saw my little girl...

Valjean: I'll save her for you! 

Fantine: Who said she needed saving? *_Coughs and dies*_

Valjean: Nuuu! Right. Next thing to do... *_Gets out To Do list and crosses off 'Be upset about Fantine's death.'_

_In Montfermeil._

Cosette: Where is love? Does it fall from... Oops. Wrong script. There is a castle on a cloud...

Mme. Thenardier: Hey you! Cosette! Go and get some water for the well, and when you come back, you can wash my feet.

Cosette: Eww. Fine. Geez, I'm such a pushover... _*Goes to collect water*_

Eponine: *_Blows raspberry and disappears*_

Thenardier: Hehe! I'm evil!

Random Crowd: Yay!

_Cosette drags water bucket back to the inn. Unknown to her, she is being stalked by Valjean._

Cosette: Here is the water Madame!

Mme. Thenardier: Now wash my feet!

Valjean: *_Enters* _I cannot allow this to happen! Here – I will wash your feet and then I will take the girl away! 

Mm. Thenardier: Fine, as long as someone washes my feet, I'm happy!

Thenardier: Wait! We cannot let you take this little girl away from us!

Valjean: Would a cheque for a million francs change your mind?

Thenardier: _Yes_! Gimme gimme! _*Jumps for cheque*_

Valjean: *_Washes Mme. Thenardier's feet and whisks Cosette off*_

Thenardier: *_Le gasp_* This cheque is not payable for two hundred years! We must track that guy down!

_Paris, 9 Years Later_

Enjolras: *_Le gasp* _This is a tragedy! General Lamarque is ill!

Gavroche: Isn't this what you've been dreaming of? A REVOLUTION! *_Dun dun dun*_

Enjolras : _Yeah, _but… Marius? Marius? Where is that boy?

Marius: *_Talks to Eponine* _Oh Eponine! The things you learnt are not in these books!

Eponine: *_Puts hand on hip* What _are you implying, here?

Marius: Eep! Nothing!

Enjolras: Why did I allow you to join Les Amis ABC?

Marius: 'Cos I allowed you to play with my Barbies!

Les Amis: *_Look suspicious*_

Enjolras: *_Gulps* _I was... Battle strategy!

Les Amis: Riiiight... *_Back off*_

Enjolras: Now let's go give money to the poor and needy!

_Marius and Enjolras do so._

Thenarider: Hehe! I'm here, and I'm eeeeevil!

Random Crowd: Boo!

Gavroche: There's Thenardier and his band of rogues. They're a bad lot, through and through. And his daughter Eponine!

_Thenarider and Patron Minette strike poses._

Valjean: *_Enters with Cosette*_

Cosette: Lalala! I'm so pretty and innocent! People love me!

Marius: *_Sees Cosette* *Le gasp* _She's so pretty! I am in love!

Eponine: Nuuuuu! *_Runs off crying*_

_Javert enters _

Javert: OK people! Crowd control!

Thenardier and Patron Minette: Eep! Policeman! Run away!

Javert: Oh! My life has been wasted looking for Valjean! I must return his tie to him! This I swear by the stars!

Valjean: A policeman! His staring makes me feel uncomfortable! Come Cosette, let's flee!

Cosette: Awww... Daddy! I just saw this really good looking boy! 

Valjean: *_Turns green with envy*_

_They leave. Marius turns to Eponine. Enjolras has vanished in a puff of smoke._

Marius: Do you know that girl! The prettiest one I have ever seen!

Eponine: Ahem.

Marius: What?

Eponine: Yes, I know her.

Marius: Take her to me! I shall love you forever!

Eponine: *_Eyes gleam*_

_In the cafe where Les Amis meet..._

Enjolras: REVOLUTION!

Les Amis: YEAH!

Enjolras: REPUBLIC!

Les Amis: YEAH!

Courfeyrac: DOWN WITH COLLEGE!

Les Amis: YEAH!

Grantaire: LET'S DRINK

Les Amis: YEAH!

Random Crowd: OoOo

_Marius enters _

Enjolras: MARIUS! You are late! You missed roll call!

Combeferre: Now I have to mess up my nice clean register! Nuuu!

Marius: I am in LOVE!

Everyone: Who cares? VIVE LA REPUBLIQUE!

Marius: Waa!

_Gavroche enters._

Gavroche: GENERAL LAMARQUE IS DEAD!

Les Amis: *_Le gasp*_

Enjolras: *_To himself* _Yesss! The assassination worked... I mean... NUUUUU!

Grantaire: Hey, here's a crazy idea! Let's build a barricade!

Enjolras: It's so... Rebellious... I love it!

_Meanwhile..._

Cosette: Lalala!

Valjean: You seem distant, Cosette! Are you... _Thinking?_

Cosette: Nah! Don't expect too much Daddy!

Valjean: I won't. But what troubles you?

Cosette: I think I am... IN LOVE?

Valjean: Hmm... I know the perfect cure for that! A HAMSTER! *_Leaves for pet shop*_

_Outside their house..._

Eponine: Hey Marius! I found that girl you liked!

Marius: YIPPEE!

_Eponine leads Marius to Cosette's house_

Marius: Yoohoo! It's me!

Cosette: *_Le gasp* _That handsome boy from earlier! Wait... Isn't this a tad stalkerish... Agh! The possibility makes my brain hurt! Come on in stranger!

Marius: Yay! I brought Barbies!

Cosette: I LOVE YOU!

Marius: I LOVE YOU TOO!

_They sing sickeningly sweet love duet. Eponine throws up. Patron Minette appear outside._

Thenardier: We're gonna trash this house!

Patron Minette: Woohoo! *_Get out water bombs and eggs*_

Eponine: STOP! I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS! YOU'LL RUIN THE PAINTWORK! 

Thenardier: She's right... It's lovely paintwork! Let's steal it!

Eponine: I'll scream!

Thenardier: Hey! I'm already deaf in one ear! Fine. We'll go!

Patron Minette: Awwww... *_Sob*_

_Valjean returns with a hamster for Cosette. Marius climbs out the window._

Valjean: We must flee the country, Cosette!

Cosette: Why?

Valjean: Because I think I am being stalked!

Cosette: But I just met my one true love!

Valjean: Tough!

_Everyone comes on stage to talk about their feelings..._

Valjean: Alas! I am being stalked!

Cosette: Will I ever meet my true love again?

Marius: Uh... What are we doing?

Eponine: I love Marius!

Enjolras: FREEDOM!

Javert: I will find Valjean at the barricades, for sure! And then I can give him his tie back!

Hagrid: There's a storm coming, Harry, and we best be ready for it when it comes!

_Curtain falls. Audience exchange confused looks. Curtain rises._

Enjolras: Let's build us a barricade!

Les Amis: A big big barricade!

Enjolras: Let's throw down a government!

Les Amis: A big big government!

_Eponine wanders on, and suddenly everyone disappears._

Eponine: I think I'm going crazy! I see Marius right here!

Marius: Uh. I am right here, Eponine!

Eponine: Oh... Hehe... _*Awkward silence*_

_NEXT SCENE COMES ON VERY QUICKLY..._

Javert: Hey, students, have you seen a strong ex convict?

Enjolras: AGH! POLICEMAN!

Javert: Hmmm... This calls for JAVERT'S FASHION FIX! To become a student, one must wear a red vest, shout FREEDOM a lot, and... No. That's it!

Javert the Student: Hey, fellows, have you seen a strong ex convict?

Enjolras: Oh hey there. No, sorry. But one might come along if you stay here.

Javert the Student: Sounds fun.*_Gets out a carpet bag of rubber ducks and starts putting them on the barricade*_

Everyone: OoOo

Marius: Eponine! What are you doing here?

Eponine: I felt like dying for THE CAUSE!

*_Faint cheering can be heard*_

Marius: Well you can't get more glory than me! Here, take this letter to Cosette for me.

Eponine: *_Sighs* _Fine.

_She walks to the house, and meets Valjean trying to hail a taxi._

Valjean: Hello.

Eponine: Hello. Where might I find Cosette?

Valjean: _*Shifty eyes*_ Why?

Eponine: Someone at the barricade has a letter for her.

Valjean: GIMME THAT! *_Snatches letter and runs off*_

Eponine: OoOo...

_Valjean sits in his study and reads the letter. He learns of Marius and Cosette's feelings for each other._

Valjean: *_Angst angst* _TO THE BATMOBILE!

Cosette: Where are you going Daddy?

Valjean: Um... Look after Mr. Squeaky! BYE!

Cosette: *_Pats hamster*_

_Valjean leaps into the Batmobile and drives off to the barricade_

Valjean: Waaaait! Don't start without me!

Enjolras: *_Shrugs* _K

_Eponine enters dressed as a boy._

Marius: Hey Eponine

Eponine: Darnabbit. How did you know it was me?

Marius: No one else wears that silly hat! *_Chortles_*

Eponine: ...

_There is a sudden call from somewhere around the barricade_

Voice: YOU IN THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS! You are friendless losers! GO HOME!

Enjolras: *_Rolls up sleeves* _That's it. Now it's personal.

Javert: *_To himself* _I think I see Valjean! I can return his tie to him! 

Grantiare: Hey – hic – you were never part of THE –hic – CAUSE! Were –hic – you?

Courfeyrac: GET HIM!

_The students tie Javert to a chair_

Gavroche: Hey! I know him! He goes round looking for some ex convict so he can give him his tie back!

Enjolras; *_Shakes head* _Leave him here for now, so he can think over his sins.

Gavroche: Nice tie though... He showed me...

Everyone: OoOo...

_Valjean enters_

Valjean: Let me punish him?

Enjolras: K.

_Valjean frees Javert_

Javert: FINALLY! Sir, I have your tie!

_Javert withdraws the tie, and a choir of heavenly voices begin singing Britannia Rule The Waves_

Valjean: I remember this! Yay! *_Puts it on*_

Javert: Well... My life seems kinda boring now...

Valjean: NO TIME TO STOP AND CHAT! I HAVE A WORLD TO SAVE!

_Valjean runs off. Javert feels dejected. At the barricade, Eponine has been shot_

Eponine: And rain will make the flowers...

_She dies in Marius' arms._

Marius: Grow... HEY! THAT WAS SOO ROMANTIC! Did anyone tape that?

Everyone: ...

Enjolras: WE FIGHT FOR WHATSHERNAME!

Les Amis: YEAH!

_The students settle down for a drink_

Grantaire: THERE'S A LITTLE DITTY THEY'RE SINGING IN THE CITY... Wait... This is the wrong script isn't it?

Everyone: Yeah...

Grantaire: Awkward...

_Students go to sleep. Valjean sings Bring Him Home_

Marius: *_Waking up*: _Agh! Stalker!

Valjean: Hey! I'm a nice guy!

Marius: Oh. Sorry for falsely accusing you. Do you want to play Barbies?

Valjean: Maybe another time...

_The students wake up_

Enjolras: IT'S TIME TO FIGHT!

Les Amis: YEAH!

Combeferre: Wait? Shouldn't I take roll call first?

Enjolras: Yeah, sure...

Combeferre: Yay! OK... Bahorel? Good... Bousset... Good... Combeferre, _obviously, _Courfeyrac, yes, Enjolras... Good... Gavroche...?

Enjolras: OK! We're all here! Moving on! LET'S FIGHT!

Les Amis: YEAH! 

_They fight. _

Enjolras: *_Le gasp* _We have no ammunition left!

Gavroche: I'LL HELP YOU!

Authoress: *_Appears in a puff of smoke* _Nuuuuuuuuuu! *_Disappears*_

Everyone:...

_Gavroche gets killed. We all cry. _

Enjolras: NUUUUUUU! I LIKED THAT KID! HE LAUGHED AT MY JOKES!

Courfeyrac: Yeah he was the only! EEP! *_Is shot*_

Enjolras: NUUUUU! I LIKED THAT KID! HE MADE FUN OF ME!

Joly: Yeah he *_cough* _wasn't the only! EEP! *_Is shot*_

Enjolras: NUUUUUU! I LIKED THAT KID! HE WAS UNAWARE THAT I LAUGHED AT HIM SECRETLY

Bahorel: No, he knew! EEP! _*Is shot*_

Enjolras: OK? SERIOUSLY?

_Enjolras climbs the barricade and waves the flag around. Sensible people in the audience shake their heads at how bad an idea this is. Everyone else sobs pathetically as Enjolras dies. Valjean appears, in the sewers, carrying Marius on his back._

Valjean: Psshaw! Either I'm really out of shape, or this guy eats A LOT. I think it's the latter.

_Thenardier appears in the tunnel. Eye of the Tiger starts playing. _

Thenardier: AHA! CONFRONTATION TIME!

Valjean: If I pay you a hundred francs will you go away?

Thenardier: Sure.

_While Valjean rummages for his wallet, Thenardier steals Marius' precious Barbie doll. _

Valjean: Aha! Here you go!

Thenardier: Thanks. Bye... *_Swaggers off*_

_Valjean leaves the sewers and meets Javert._

Valjean: JAVERT! Thank the stars – geddit? – you're here! I'm covered in goo! Will you give me a sponge bath?

Javert: No way hose! *_Leaps over Bridge and lands – splash – in the Seine* _

Valjean:... Well... I better take Marius home.

_Does so. Random women appear in the barricade._

Random Woman 1 (let's call her Anna): Alas!

RW2 (Susan): Oh my!

RW3(Helen): Oh dearie me!

ReallyRW4(Agnes): FUDGE!

Anna: This is a tragedy!

Susan: Aye

Helen: Indeed!

Agnes: FUDGE!

_Marius has had a miraculous recovery and has discovered his friends deaths_

Cosette: Hey Marius! I think you knew the really good looking guys who just got shot?

Marius: *_Turns green with envy* _Well... If they're dead they're not threat really... NUUU! MY FRIENDS! *_Sings mournful song* _Cosette! MARRY ME?

Cosette: YAY! THAT SOUNDS FUN!

Marius: Indeedio!

_Valjean pays Marius a visit._

Valjean : I have to go. A LIFE OF CRIME FIGHTING AND WEARING MY PANTS OVER TIGHTS AWAITS!

Marius: You're becoming a superhero? CAN I BE YOUR SIDEKICK?

Valjean: No. I already have one.

Marius: Waa! Hey have you seen my Barbie doll? I think I lost it when I was shot...

Valjean: No. I haven'. Run along to your wedding now. Oh, and don't tell Cosette I'm becoming JEANMAN! She thinks it's dumb.

Marius: *_Le gasp* _How _could _she?

Valjean: *_shrugs and flies off*_

_Cosette and Marius get married._

Marius: May I have this dance? *_Holds hand out to Cosette. Thenardier elbows her out of the way and takes it instead*_

Marius: EWWWWWW! STINKY OLD MAN!

Thenarider: Jeanman is a MURDERER, Marius!

Marius: *_Le gasp*_What?

_Thenardier produces the Barbie doll._

Marius: *_Le gasp* _MY BARBIE! I LOST THAT THE DAY I WAS SHOT AT THE BARRICADES! Hmmmm... I THINK IT WAS THENARIDER IN THE BALLROOM WITH THE DAGGER!

Random Crowd: Okaaaayyy... *_Back away slowly*_

Thenardier: Nuuuu! He has worked it out! FLEE!

_Thenardier does so._

Marius: Yay!

Cosette: You're so clever sweetiepie!

Random Crowd: *_Look nauseated*_

Marius: *_Tosses hair* _I know.

_Meanwhile..._

Valjean: I should never *_cough* _have *_wheeze* _dove into the Channel to *_cough* _rescue that *_splutter* _dolphin. I think I am dying *_DUN DUN DUN*_

_Meanwhile..._

Cosette: *_Sniffing the air* _DADDY IS IN TROUBLE! COME ON MARIUS!

_Cosette throws Marius over her shoulders and runs off._

Marius: DESIST! DESIST! 

_Cosette bursts through the door to Valjean's room._

Valjean: COSETTE! YAY!

Cosette: DADDY! My seventh sense-

Marius: It's your _sixth _sense, Cosette.

Cosette: My sixth sense is sensing invisibility, _actually. _Don't talk about things you don't understand.

Marius: *_Hangs head*_

Valjean: Your seventh sense told you I was in trouble, right Cosette?

Cosette: YES! Are you alright?

Valjean: I am *_pause for dramatic effect* _DYING!

Random Crowd: NUUUUUUUUU!

Cosette: THAT'S TERRIBLE!

_Suddenly, Fantine and Eponine appear_

Marius: EEP! GHOSTS! *_Hides*_

Fantine: Come with us Valjean!

Eponine: Yes! Come with us!

Valjean: OK.

_He does so._

Cosette: NUUUU! DADDY IS DEAD!

Random Crowd: *_Cry*_

EVERYONE: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING? Lost in the valley of the night? It is the music of a people who are climbing to the light! For the wretched of the earth there is a light that never dies! Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise!

_Curtain falls. Audience look __**very **__confused._

**So what do you think? Please R & R! The button is lonely and it'd make my day!s**


End file.
